Life in a Holding Pattern

Another one bites the dust...

2012-02-29T22:34:00.002-06:00

Return...the prequel

2012-02-24T23:56:00.004-06:00

I got to help welcome a friend's husband home from his deployment yesterday. She was so excited with her signs, balloons, and flags for us to hold when we greeted him at the airport. Afterwards, one of the guys gathered up some of the flags and gave them to me to hang onto, since I'll be the one to need them next...if I don't lose them in the meantime!

So I've lost my partner in waiting, now, but getting to see that reunion was amazing and I know my time is coming. Even if it doesn't feel like it, lol.

It's a jungle out there

2012-02-19T09:11:00.002-06:00

So some yardwork ought to keep me busy this weekend...

...notice I said "ought" and not "will."

seeing some green

2012-02-17T16:49:00.003-06:00

on the "donut of misery..." :)

Trying not to check my app too often so I see noticeable changes. Glad to see way more than a sliver this time!

Time flies...when it's not you that's waiting!

2012-02-16T14:03:00.002-06:00

So probably the most annoying thing with this deployment so far is the number of people who like to tell me how quickly the time will go by. I know a year or so in the grand scheme of life is not terribly long, but it's not like it's going to be over next week. A coworker just tried to insist that it hadn't even been a month since my boyfriend left and was shocked to hear it's actually been over two. "What?! So long already?! Wow, time just FLIES!"

Maybe for you, Non-Military-Affiliated Coworker...but I'm the one Xing off every day on the calendar and it defintely feels like there is still a super long time to go.

/vent

Routine, and the lack thereof

2012-02-08T08:25:00.003-06:00

It's been about two months now, which is the point when the separation starts to feel normal and we've got a sort of routine now with communication, so that makes things easier. I've been keeping busy with various events and the kitchen wars going on at home, so there haven't been too many moments where it hits me that there is still such a long time to go. But...holy disorganized procrastination, my house is a MESS. Something about knowing nobody's going to come over and see it makes me allow everything to fall apart. Not in the sense that it couldn't get cleaned up in a few hours, but this is not the way I usually live. Laundry pile on the bed? Who cares? There's room for both the laundry and me! Another laundry pile on the living room chair? No one will be sitting there, so no problem! Dining table full of random kids' junk? Again--who cares? Nobody is going to come over and eat with us! And I've discovered that I enjoy the events and races I sign up for SO MUCH MORE than the training and maintenance of my running ability, when I have to do said training alone. So I am slacking, big-time, and I need to knock that off. But it's hard when my motivation is 8,000 miles away.

Saturday night plans...

2012-01-28T22:49:00.002-06:00

...are a bit different these days:

All that's missing is my phone with the six simultaneous games of Words with Friends I have going. Yep, I am living it up! ;)

I did meet a friend for dinner last night and I have plans tomorrow afternoon, so I'm not actually two steps away from becoming crazy single cat lady or anything lol. But things do seem quieter these days. Though tonight I'm not complaining--Ben and Jerry are good company :)

My nemesis, the customs form

2011-12-28T00:00:00.003-06:00

I was able to send off my first care package today and was super excited! I've decided to theme them as long as inspiration lasts, and the theme of this first package was GORUCK. He's done two of these challenges and plans to do more, plus he'd ordered some gear just before leaving that he had shipped to my house with the request that I save most of it but send on one thing from the order. So I sent him a box with the grcoozie he wanted, plus a bunch of snack items he eats when exercising, some Gatorade packets...and a brick.

Yep, I sent my boyfriend a brick in a care package. It'll make sense to him, I promise. (Participants in challenges go through said challenges while wearing a rucksack weighted with bricks. It winds up being helpful to train with a weighted ruck leading up to the event, though I expressed much disbelief at his desire to run with bricks when we first started going on runs together. Plus, during challenges you wind up carring a bunch of heavy stuff, of which a brick is a symbol.) I even printed out the goruck logo and taped it to the brick, so he can have a nice decorative item for his room--or I can send him more bricks in subsequent packages and he can run with them lol.

So this was fun and all to plan and box up, but at the post office I had to fill out a customs form declaring what I was sending, its weight, value, etc. I struggled to adequately describe the energy gel packets I was sending. Was "gel" a forbidden substance at customs the way it is for the TSA? Would lumping M&Ms, Cliff bars, energy chews, and Gu gel together as "snacks" suffice on a form instructing me to be as detailed as possible? How many of those packets did I put in there, anyway, before taping the box shut? I finally decided to call them something along the lines of "Snacks--bars, candy, etc" and estimated I put in 20 or so items. The Gatorade and koozie were easier to describe. Then came the brick. Item--"brick." Quantity--"1." So far, so good. Weight--uh. Maybe I should have weighed it before packing it up. Heck, maybe I should have weighed the box, so I could at least know the total weight of everything. Hm. Having no idea how much bricks weigh, I wrote 10 lbs and hoped it was close enough. Value--um. It's a BRICK. That I picked from a pile of them in my back yard left there by a previous tenant who obviously had high hopes of redoing the landscaping and then quickly gave up. But I didn't want to write $0. It had to be worth something for me to send it over there. But...it's a brick. I finally decided I would give it to someone for $5, should anyone be in the market for (overpriced) bricks, so I wrote in $5.

Thankfully my form passed muster; the postal worker looked it over and waved off my concerns that I didn't know true weights for anything. I'm still hoping the energy gel doesn't get anyone in trouble. And I'm imagining the looks on the customs inspectors' faces if they open the box and see that yes, indeed, I really did spend $10.95 to mail someone a brick (among other things).

Pushups...

2011-12-26T11:08:00.004-06:00

...are HARD. I think I'm going to be stuck doing just 10 for quite some time.

Flutterkicks are worse. Especially when done correctly.

I don't know about this "working out" business lol. It's a good thing October (when I need to be able to do many of each) is a long way off!

Merry Christmas...x2

2011-12-25T20:57:00.002-06:00

So the fun thing about a 9-hour time difference is that when it's night here, it's already morning there--so my Christmas Eve was his Christmas morning. We skyped a bit last night and I mentioned our Christmas Eve activities, which of course sounded off to him as it was already Christmas for him. Then when we skyped again today, I'd just gotten through all the gift-opening morning craziness, and he was done with Christmas and headed to bed soon. But it made for two good holiday conversations rather than one. :)

I've been keeping busy, which is always good. Between work and getting ready for Christmas there's been a lot to do. And then this coming week I have an entire week of vacation with the kids, plus with all the time off I'll have more time available for skyping at more convenient-for-him hours. Should be a good week. Even more so if I keep up with my running without having to be nagged about it. ;)

Skype!

2011-12-15T21:16:00.004-06:00

Skype, or video chatting in general at least, is hands-down the best invention of the past 50 years. I remember watching the Jetsons as a kid, where they got video calls from each other, and George's boss would pop on the screen to yell at him, and I used to think how fun yet completely impossible that would be in real life...AND HERE WE ARE IN JETSON TIMES!!! I worried a little bit that seeing him would make me sad or something but I just sat there grinning and giddy. 6,000 miles means nothing when I get to see his face! :)

The 9-hour time difference means we'll probably talk when it's night here and morning there. He's thinking of getting up at 4 am so that he has time to skype, exercise, etc before starting his work day. Since he's already far too eager to wake up earlier than I'd prefer, I hope that's a deployment-only habit lol, but it would make talking easier. Most of his downtime, I'm still at work. We'll figure it out. I might try to rig something up on lunch breaks, too. We'll see.

But YAY FOR SKYPE!!!

Sad.

2011-12-13T20:58:00.002-06:00

Got what will likely be my last phone call tonight. Calling from overseas can get pretty expensive, as can international roaming data charges, so he's turning his phone off till he figures out the best way to rig up contacting everyone. No more calls, no more texts, and probably very sporadic emails until he gets settled where he's headed. So while I will still hear from him, and probably often once he settles in, hearing him say this was probably the last call brought back the Empty.

And so, tonight...I'm sad. Not weepy, despondent sad, but a quiet sad. Contemplative. Lonely.

But it'll pass. I'm indulging it for now, letting myself not have to hold it together for a bit. I'm going to wallow. For five minutes. I made my Donut of Misery and the sliver of green is so tiny it's depressing. I can't look at it.

Wallowing.

Sadness.

And...time. I'm going to go run.

Resolutions

2011-12-12T14:48:00.000-06:00

My boyfriend left for his deployment...we'll say "recently." I'm experienced enough both with deployments and single motherhood to know I'll be okay without him here, and I've had time to mentally get ready. Still, that feeling as you see him turn and walk away...it does something to you. No matter how ready you are, there's something about that moment that makes you realize that this is really It. And that this It is happening Now. And that you have So Very Long to wait. And no matter how ready you were, you're suddenly struck by a lightning bolt of Empty.

So it's time to make a plan for how to fill up this time I have now with things that will block the Empty. I know from past experience that being busy is good, watching the news is just plain out, and I don't want to spend the next However Long becoming BFFs with facebook and netflix. Yes, life is on hold now, in a way--but I want to spend it waiting, not Waiting.

I'm looking at the start of this deployment as a sort of new year-ish event. I've never been one for new year's resolutions, but somehow it seems right to start this out with a plan, with goals for what I want to get out of this period of time, so that I can look back and see results and achievements rather than a year lost or wasted.

So here we go...resolutions for this next However Long (I do know how long, of course; I just need to not give details):

- I will LIMIT my computer time. Screen time certainly won't be all bad; for one thing, it'll probably be my primary means of communication with him. But I will not spend my evenings checking out 200 of my closest friends' status updates as entertainment. I will be productive.

- I will keep up with my running. Running alone is less fun, but I want to improve my endurance and speed this year, so I'll have to motivate myself to keep up the workouts. Currently I'm up to distances of 6 miles on my long, slow runs and a pace of 10.5-min miles on my short, fast runs. I can definitely run longer distances during this year. Not so sure about getting faster lol but we'll see.

- I will add in some other things. Pushups would be good. I currently max out at 7. That's...very lame.

- I will get my photos in albums. And get the last 8 years or so of our lives off the computer, to get into those albums. This one may not happen. But my intentions are good at least.

- I will socialize. In real life. With real people. Not by facebook comments.

- I will find projects to do and goals to work towards. Races, hobbies, things to organize or learn...I will find new interests to pursue, or rediscover old ones.

- Most importantly: I will stay positive so I can be supportive.

In the meantime, I'm keeping busy. My kids are going to think they live in a bakery soon. And my pantry has never looked so organized...